By Joseph Barbarise Feb 17, 2010
It’s hard for me to believe that I’ve been here in China close to four years now, and all at one university. I had doubts, big doubts, when I first considered coming to China to teach. I had only recently cured myself of that terrible stuttering and had never spoken to groups before. In fact, talking to groups has always been my biggest fear. I’ve wanted to go to China for so long; I just had to try it.
I remember my first class here in 2006. I was nervous as I walked into class that first morning. To my surprise, all the students cheered and applauded. It did not take them long to see I was new to this, but it also did not take them long to see I was trying as hard as I possibly could to do a good job and that I really did care about the students. Most of the students and I became good friends. Several of them and I became very close and will be friends forever, I have no doubt. Michael Joseph Lee (Bighead), Jesse, Mirror, Eddie, Killer and Aaron are just a few that stand out. When Michael was in middle school he was an average student, but by the time he finished my class he was my best male student. I get calls and messages from him regularly asking about how I am and telling me what he is doing as a post grad student about 400 miles away near Beijing. He truly worries about me. This past December I was in the hospital for the whole month. Michael called many times. He wanted to leave school and come to Zhengzhou and stay with me in the hospital to care for me. I had to be firm with him and make him stay at school.
Jesse is a Christian student whom I spoke with many times about many topics. One of our conversations was about hugging. He asked why some Americans, like myself, often hug close friends and family members. He told me how hugs were almost unheard of in China. Children and parents almost never hugged. He could not recall even one time he and his parents hugged. We talked for hours on this subject trying to understand how the other thought. That year our winter holiday was approaching and all students would go home to be with their family for the biggest holiday of the year, Spring Festival. I asked Jesse to try hugging his mom for the first time in his life. I told him when your train arrived and you stepped down off the train and saw mom and dad waiting there for you, they would be so excited to see you that this would be the perfect time. He should walk right up to mom, throw your arms around her and give her a big hug. When your cheek was next to hers, he should whisper in her ear “wo ai ni” (I love you). Then as you backed away, to please look into her eyes and to try to understand her feelings at that moment. Jesse was very nervous but said he would try. Winter break came and Jesse went home by train. He called me the next day and was very apologetic stating “I’m sorry. I tried but I could not do it. I could not hug my mom. Forgive me.” I wasn’t sure he would follow through with our experiment, but I never expected to hear such sorrow for failing to hug mom. During the coming months we spoke occasionally about the hug, but I never urged him to try it again.
Summer came and the school year was about to end. Students all went home as usual. Two days later I received an email from Jesse. I could tell he was excited saying “I did it. I did it Joseph.” I called Jesse on the phone and we talked a while. I asked him to tell me what happened. He said when he stepped down off the train he was determined to try to hug mom. He walked up to her, scared half to death, and threw his arms around her, hugging her for the first time ever. I asked him if while they hugged if he spoke to her. He said yes he told her he loved her. I asked what happened next. He said “she squeezed me” meaning she hugged him back, for the first time ever. He said he looked at her face as they backed away, as I asked him to do, and said it was “very strange”. “She had the biggest smile I ever saw, and she was crying at the same time.” Jesse and his mom talked more that summer and smiled at each other often. A few weeks later I received another email from Jesse which stated, “I know you are my English teacher and now my friend, but I learn so much from you. How to be kind to all and help people, even strangers, but most of all thank you for teaching me how to become a man.” That last sentence brought a tear to my eyes and I’ll never forget it or him.
In the past four years I have had over 1,000 students here in China, but only one named Eddie. I’m glad there has only been one, as he is also a special person and a great friend to me. Eddie was a thin, rather frail person. He always paid attention in class and tried all he could to learn English from me. He came to my home several times for extra practice and I always enjoyed his visits. As the year progressed, I observed Eddie get thinner and it concerned me. After a while I approached him in private and asked if he was OK. We talked a while and he told me he had a bone disease affecting his spine and other bones that was incurable. He said he wanted to live as normal a life for as long as possible, but he knew that paralysis and an early death was in his future, yet he studied very hard every day trying to be the best he could. This caused me great concern and sadness and he saw that on my face. Eddie was comforting me, telling me not to worry and that all would be OK. I could not believe this young man, so calm, so accepting of what could not be changed.
On my first day of class I always try to get to know a little about my students by having them tell me their English name and a little about their family. Most have chosen good names but always a few that did not. This young lady stood and said her name was “Killer”. I explained that was not a common name and tried to persuade her to change it to another one. She adamantly refused, saying Killer was what she wanted. I noticed that Killer was unable to look directly at me for more than a moment or her eye would drift away from the other, sometimes called “weak eye”. Killer and I became friends that first semester and talked often. After a while she became comfortable enough to confide why she chose that name. Killer had a disease associated with the thyroid that usually ended with death around 30 years old. She said she chose Killer because she would be dying while in her prime from this disease. Only one classmate, her best friend, knew of this problem. The semester break came and usual I sent several messages wishing my students a great holiday. All but one responded….Killer. I asked her friend where she was and she told me in the hospital preparing for a big surgery to hopefully cure her disease which she never thought would be possible. I immediately went to that hospital to locate her. When I got there it was difficult to locate her as I spoke no Chinese and had to go floor to floor looking for her. After a few floors, I saw her lying in her bed that was placed in the hall because there were no available rooms. As I made my way down the hall past the other beds, she saw me coming and had a big smile on her face. I sat on her bed and we talked. I held her hand and I could feel how happy she was that I found her and came to visit. A few days later she had the surgery and it was successful. She will now lead a long life. Her last year at our university she had a boy friend, her first ever. She graduated and now lives in another city, but we still stay in touch and always will.
Christmas was approaching. The chill was in the air. Everyone here had been so kind to me that I wanted to give something back. I had an idea to find a family, a poor family, and help them for the Christmas holiday and explain a little about Christmas. Friends and students were all asked to help me find such a family. In October such a family was located in a nearby town called Xinmi. The family name was Feng, and actually lived in a small village in the mountains outside Xinmi. Xinmi had two main industries, coal and making bricks, both of which were extremely dirty. The whole town, including trees and flowers, was a gray color from all the pollution. The most common businesses you saw there were car washes. White cars were gray in one day and totally black in two. There were car washes on every street. The Feng family started out normal with mom, dad, brother and sister. One day mom decided to leave. Dad stayed to care for the family and worked every day. About a year later, dad was walking home from work one night, climbing the mountain as usual, when he slipped and fell off the mountain and died. Feng Xiaoyen and Feng Xiaolei had to move in with grandfather who lived on 250 rmb ($36) per month, hardly enough for one person let alone three. Grandfather kept them as long as he could, but there was not enough money to feed and clothe them. He had to make a difficult decision. He told the boy he had to give him away to live at an orphanage so he could get proper food, clothing and medical care. This was the time I was made aware of this needy family and I decided to help all I could to make them stay together as a real family. I asked some students to help me as I went shopping for things to bring them. I started out getting new coats, hats, gloves, scarves and boots for all three of them. Next we added 25 kg sacks of flour, rice and cabbage, as well as cooking oil and a case of milk. It was Christmas so I added a few personal gifts for them both, such as a soccer ball, jump rope and personal hygiene items. I knew there were items I was not aware of so I also gave them each 100 rmb and I gave grandfather 700 rmb to help pay for other things including school. Two weeks ago I went to see them for Spring Festival. I gave them gifts as is appropriate at this time. I brought six classic novels such as Robinson Crusoe, written in both Chinese and English, for them to enjoy as well as a cell phone for the girl and equivalent money for the boy. It’s the first phone the family ever had. Occasionally they write me a letter in Chinese that I get translated by students. I love the letters they send. It’s been over three years now and the Feng family is doing well. I see them every few months and continue to help them.
I have been asked many times from friends in USA and China and my family just why I stay here in China when they know I have difficult times with language and cultural differences. I love being able to watch a country grow, to be able to say I am a small part of the improvements I see here all the time. The absolute best reason I stay is when I can reach one student and make them see life a little differently, to get them to help others, even strangers, just because they need help.
To continue please click on the next link http://my-china19.blogspot.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment